Cherry Wine
by chips2
Summary: Even's POV. Set soon after date night at the Radisson Blu Oslo, Even is still showing symptoms of mania and is having to deal not only with his manic episode but also his heartache for Isak, his mother who is back from a work trip abroad and his recently dumped ex-gf, Sonja. Timescales of Even's symptoms are shortened for literary purposes. EVEN/ISAK/SONJA


"He is waking up." I recognise my mother's voice and her touch on my arm. "Sedative must be wearing off."

I open my eyes and sit up abruptly.

I am on my mattress, tucked under a duvet, which has been taken off the bunk bed and placed on the floor. Mum's sitting next to me on the edge of it.

It's not just mum in my room. Sonja is here too. Until recently she was the only one I allowed into my room. My fortress. My mind sanctuary. I need the personal space it provides to stay steady. Even. On the level.

Ways to avoid triggering an episode:

1- Get plenty of sleep

2- Stay healthy

3- Avoid stress

It has worked out well for me for the last six months. However, recently everything has changed. New school. Stress. New friends. Stress. Mum leaving for her clinical research sabbatical in Spain. Stress. I had planned for those stresses though. Therapy and meds. I talked through coping mechanisms with my brain doc and upped the dose of the mood stabiliser.

The problem is I hadn't planned on meeting him.

Isak.

I smile as I imagine him smiling at me; gray/blue eyes, bow lips, a blush that gives away his dirty thoughts. Dirty thoughts about me and him getting up to naughty things. I know when he has gone particularly kinky in his mind when he looks away for a second- breaks my gaze.

And then I can't help but kiss him...

"Even?" Sonja says tentatively.

I realise that I must appear strange. Happy yet startled. My eyes are wide.

I try to process, take things in, but it's hard when there is so much to take in. So much to process.

Mum's here. That's great. I lunge forward to hug her. Bear hug.

"You're back!" I shout out in glee. "But it's a bit soon, no? How was Spain? Espana? Barcelona? Did you get to the Park Güell?"

"Sadly no." Mum says.

"Plaça Reial? Casa Milà? Sagrada Família?"

"Are you going to list all of Barcelona's UNESCO World Heritage Sites?" She asks quietly.

I smile. "Yes. How about Palau de la Música Catalana?"

I give her a big kiss on the cheek then pull back and look around me.

"I flew in first thing this morning." Mum says more seriously. "Dad picked me up. Sonja and I have been waiting for you to wake up... after the doctor came over to see you..."

Why is my mattress on the floor? Why is there hardly anything in my room? Most of the furniture, the paintings on the wall, my guitars and my vinyl are gone. No pens or pencils for my art.

I don't recognise the duvet cover, the one covering me. No wait, I do. I haven't used it in a while. Like, years. Mum must have found it at the back of my wardrobe.

What was she doing in my wardrobe while I was sleeping?

"Your hair's too long." She says softly as she strokes it. "How are you feeling?"

"I think there is a lot of fuss being made over not much."

"You had to be restrained by four police men because you were trying to break into a closed McDonalds in Grønland."

"And you were naked." Sonja adds. "And you wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Have you been in my wardrobe?" I ask them.

Mum's brow furrows. "What-"

"My wardrobe." I laugh and point at my duvet cover.

"What were you really looking for? Me? Back in the closet?" I giggle at my own joke. "You won't find me there anymore. And you won't find Narnia either."

"I wasn't looking for Narnia, baby." My mother says, looking confused, as her hair stroking stops. "Just clean sheets to cover you with."

I can see that she has tears forming in her eyes and it saddens me so I try to explain what I mean about the wardrobe.

"There is no other world or universe in that wardrobe, mum. I told him, you know. I told him. I told him that you have to be master of your destiny, like you told me. Director of your own life. And I have tried to be. I have. But it's hard and it hasn't worked. Do you know what he thinks? He believes in parallel universes. Like Narnia. Better universes. Like walk into that wardrobe and on the other side there is another world. Another me and him. And I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe because then somewhere, in a different time and place, there would be an immaculate version of me for him. In one of those universes. In Narnia." I touch my head hoping my mind will slow down. I tap at it. "And he would be proud, you know, of me. Because I would be immaculate and me and him- we could be together. Do you get it?"

I grab mum's hands firmly because I can see in her eyes she doesn't get it.

Sonya's face drops.

"I am sorry, Even." Mum says. "I don't."

"It's easy." I say.

She turns to Sonja and that releases the tears that have been collecting in her eyes. "How long has he been like this?"

I can tell that Sonja is upset too. "For a few weeks now."

I don't like that look Sonja's got. I am very familiar with it. My mum's look echoes it. The 'he has gone crazy' look.

"I can explain." I say and throw Sonja a look. "And I am not with Sonja anymore, mum, so-"

"Are you off your meds?" Mum asks.

"No." I mutter.

Yes.

Kinda.

I know exactly when I forgot to take my tablets. That first weekend that I stayed at Isak's place I missed my Saturday and Sunday doses. Then last weekend when I went over to his place to explain _everything about me_ I skipped some pills too.

It wasn't my fault. I hadn't planned on staying over the whole weekend... I honestly went over to talk things over.

But when he opened the door and I saw him, the world stood still and, for once, my mind did too.

He kissed me and pulled me to him. He undressed me ... and, uh, instead of talking we fuc-

"I've checked his Lithium pill packets and he is behind by 5 days." Sonja says.

My mum sighs in disappointment.

"Not in a row." I interject. "And it wasn't on purpose. I took them as soon as I could."

"He is probably sub-therapeutic." Sonja says. "Before the police palaver last night he checked into a 3700 krone suite at the Radisson Blue, ordered two bottles of champagne and enough room service for 4 people. Over the last few weeks he has been up all hours, smoking pot, drinking... Not being himself."

When she says 'not being himself' it is code. She said it to me when I broke up with her after the Halloween weekend.

 _'Let me get this right, Even. You think you are into boys now?'_

 _'A boy. Isak.'_ I corrected.

 _'What, after sharing a blunt and a cheese toastie?'_ She scoffed. ' _You've gone off, haven't you? You're flying high. I know you like it that way but you're getting a little too close to the sun. You are **not being yourself**_ _. See Dr Nielsen. Up your meds.'_

As far as Sonja is concerned I'm only into a dude because I am going manic.

I will not have her treating my feelings for Isak as though they are a symptom of my condition, though.

They are not.

"... His behaviour is just off." Sonja says to mum. "He's confused-"

"Shut up!" I shout at her. "I know how I feel!"

"Don't speak to Sonja like that." Mum admonishes me. "She has been nothing but supportive."

"Exactly!" Sonja screams. "Look around! Where are your other friends, huh? Where's dear Mikael?! Where's your new precious cheese-toastie-eating 99er?!"

"I said shut up!" I stand up and the duvet falls away from me.

My mother averts her gaze and covers her eyes.

I am naked but I don't even care.

I march up to Sonja and shove her. Shouldn't have done that. The rage is not a good thing. She teeters backwards but does not fall. Instead she marches back up to me and shoves me back. Hard.

"Stop it both of you! Even, put some clothes on!" My mum shouts.

We ignore her.

"I love him!" I shout at Sonja.

"You think you do!" She laughs maniacally. "Look at you. Naked in front of your mum and shouting about wardrobes and parallel universes! You don't know what you're saying!"

"I do know! I know!" I shout. "What I am saying. What I mean. What I feel. Who I love. I know!"

"Who do you love?!" My mother asks, confused.

I turn to her and take a deep breath.

"Isak."

"Isak?"

I nod.

"Is he real?" She whispers to Sonja.

Sonja nods angrily.

"A boy?" Mum looks puzzled.

"What's in a name? Or gender? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." I say.

"Romeo and Juliet." My mum says immediately. "Since when?"

"Exactly!" Sonja guffaws.

"No." My mum wraps a towel around my waist and grabs my hands. "I mean how long have you felt love for this boy?"

I feel my brain become calmer looking at mum.

Lithium and mamma.

"I don't know. It feels like forever."

My mum chuckles. "Silly boy."

"Are you seriously going to listen to him?" Sonja says. "You can't believe what he is saying when he is like this!"

"I am not going to discredit how he is feeling just because he is manic now. It's how he feels and it's real."

I smile at my mum and she squeezes my hands with hers in encouragement.

I say, "But actually it _is_ all in his name. Isak. We got together at 21:21 on Halloween."

I look at mum pointedly, hoping she will get the incredible significance of the timing.

"I can't listen to this!" Sonja starts sobbing. "You fucker!"

She storms out of my room.

I should feel bad, and I do, for hurting her but I am also able to breathe a lot more easily now that she is gone.

Mum looks at me. "I'll talk to her in a bit. Go on."

"The birth of Isaac. Genesis, 21:21. I took Isak swimming and I kissed him in the water and it was his re-birth. And mine."

"Are you reading the bible now?" I can feel mum panic. Last year I buried my head into the Koran and memorised a third of it in Arabic before anyone clocked that I had gone high.

"No. He's smart like you, mum. Into science too. Not into creative arts like I am. At least you get some of my references and quotes. He doesn't. Well, he gets some. But I like how he sees the world. I like that. And he is strong and determined. A survivor. He is growing up while his parents crumble. He is goofy too. He can't rap for shit. And he is smart. And science-y."

"You said that." She smiles.

"I know. I like smart."

"I know you do. It's because you are. You like the challenge." My mother looks like she is trying to understand something.

"He goes to _Nissen_?"

I nod. "He's fucking hot too!"

"E-even!" She stammers. "Really!"

"He is, though. Very beautiful. Do you want to know when I first noticed him? He was in the school canteen with his mates and they were talking about some weed he had left at a party that he was determined to get back. His eyes caught mine and... Fuck! Remember when I got diagnosed and you said that I am the master of my life- the director- and that if I wanted I didn't need to let my mind own me? Remember? Well, at that moment, I knew I wanted to get to know Isak and I was going to make it happen. There were girls trying to get him and his friends to join a cuddle group for the school revue. I joined the group hoping he would to. He came to the group meeting so I followed him into the bathrooms. I offered him weed because I knew how much it mattered to him. I became the director of my life."

"You shouldn't be smoking pot, Even. He shouldn't be either. How old is he?"

"17 and I've _Googled_ it. Pot doesn't interact with Lithium so-"

"But it affects mood. And we know all about mood problems..."

I roll my eyes. "He doesn't get my movie or song references."

Have I said that already?

"Does that bother you?" Mum asks.

"No, it's cute and I could teach him if he wanted me to. We could go on movie dates." I raise my eyebrows and smirk. "I was teaching him other stuff anyway-"

"No. Don't-" Mum says.

"- About sex."

"Even!"

"What?"

She pauses then sighs. "Condoms. You have been using them when you and Isak-"

"Mum! Yes. God! I'm not twelve!"

"Good. It's the kind of thing that is easy to forget to do when you are running high. When do I get to meet him?"

"Never."

"Why? Is he not your boyfriend now?"

I don't know how to answer that question after last night.

I remember how last night my thoughts ran round and around in my head, then out of it, in and out, zigzagging shapes that made sense one minute and then not the next.

I remember how in our perfect universe near the top of the _Radisson_ , it was just me and Isak hauled up in that hotel room. Naked and happy.

I remember how I had wanted to make that forever. As crazy as it sounds, in my mind, Isak and I could be together forever if we got married. I could picture him declaring his love for me in front of everyone that _he_ loved. It would show that he no longer felt shame being with me because he had been ashamed before.

He denied my presence to Eskild across his bedroom door despite being held in my embrace in his bed. He asked his Collective that pictures of us not go public. He threw his roommates out when I came to visit to avoid us meeting. He pulled away from kissing me outside KB. All that shame BEFORE adding my bipolar diagnosis into the mix.

So as last night advanced, I figured that the only way we could truly be together forever was if we lost what we had. That way it would remain a perfectly preserved memory.

What was the alternative? If I told him about my mental health or if I didn't tell him, the truth would eventually come out and he would leave me.

It was inevitable.

As he intermittently slept and tried coaxing me into our hotel bed, my mind whirled. I was trying to find a way to make it work but everything was going too fast in my brain. My brain became so full of thoughts that I felt completely alone in its chaos.

Not even Isak had room in it.

The truth is that I am not the director of my own life and Isak and I can't slip into a perfect parallel universe.

Isak saw that yesterday and now he won't want me in his life anymore.

"You won't get to meet him because we aren't together anymore." I tell my mother.

"Why is that?" Mum asks.

"He told me that he didn't want to surround himself with people with mental health problems."

"But he knows that you have bipolar. Right?"

I shake my head.

"I mean he does now. After I hooked up with him at Halloween I broke up with Sonja. After I told him that I wanted to be with him we got onto the subject of his mother having mental health problems. He doesn't speak to her anymore."

My mum slowly nods, "Oh. Because of her condition."

"Yes. So I didn't tell him about me. If I did he wouldn't want to be with me. But when I got home I thought about it. How was I going to hide it from him forever? I couldn't. And, for a moment, Sonja convinced me that fancying him was all because of my bipolar. But then I saw him at school and, I can't explain it, mum, it felt like something was being torn from me when he wouldn't give me the time of day. I know how I feel and I have never felt as much for someone as I feel for Isak."

She smiles at that.

"I didn't have the strength to stay away from him anymore."

"Twilight." She says, getting the reference straight away.

I nod. "We got together and every time I opened my mouth to tell him, the words would get stuck in my throat. I knew, if i told him, it would be the last time he would be mine. I kept it from him until yesterday happened, and now, yeah, he knows. Obviously." I look at her. "I went full manic."

"Everybody knows you never go full manic, man." Mum says with a small smile.

"Never go full manic." We say in unison with wry grins.

My mum sighs. "Well speaking as a fellow 'well-controlled but still bipolar' person, I take offence to his thoughts on mental health but he is young and naive. He is scared and ill-informed. He will learn. So here are your options. Let him go and walk away from his ignorance or try to make him understand you and make a go of things with him. It really depends on how worth it you think he is."

I sigh.

"Your towel is starting to slip." Mum says. "I think that's my queue to leave and give you some rest. I'm going to find your girl- I mean- ex-girlfriend. Promise me you'll take your meds tonight. No caffeine. No weed... and get some sleep."

I nod.

Mum continues, "I think it might be better if you stay in today too. You're running high and I don't want you flashing your buns out there again."

"Okay."

"Love you."

"Love you."

She closes the door just as my towel hits the ground.

I stare at my wardrobe.

I get a vivid memory of Isak standing in front of it. Off-red snapback flipped backwards. Adidas jacket open and revealing a gray hoodie. School bag flung over one shoulder and hands in jeans pockets.

I have orchestrated getting him back to my place because I lied about my ID being at home when it is, in fact, safely nestled in my wallet.

I have let him into my room. My fortress. My mind sanctuary. My personal space that provides room to keep me steady. Even. On the level.

He is the only other person who has been allowed in since Sonja.

Since my first encounter with him at the school canteen he has been on my mind 24/7.

Ways to avoid triggering an episode:

1- Get plenty of sleep: how, with Isak running through my mind?

2- Stay healthy- I'm trying but the weed is such effective bait at getting him to hang out with me

3- Avoid stress- refer to point number 1

In my memory, Isak peers closely at the drawings taped onto my wardrobe doors. His voice has broken but it still hasn't reached its final deepest register.

 _Did you draw these?_ He is smiling as he looks at the black and white sketches.

 _Yeah._ I say.

 _They're good._ He smiles and licks his lips.

Jesus, have mercy on me.

 _Thanks._ I reply.

 _Really funny,_ He says. Then he looks at me with those clear steady gray/blue eyes.

I take a silent breath to stop myself from the embarrassment of running to him now to crush his lips with mine.

 _You think so?_ I reply.

This is the dilemma. To be at my most imaginative I have to be hypomanic- that level of 'up' below full blown mania- where my mind is still lucid and my brain works at its creative best. I love that state of being. Those pictures are testament to that. My art projects from Elvebakken, and my full scholarship to Art College if I can get over the hurdle of my final year of high school are proof of that.

The sex I have had with Isak is proof of that.

Mind.

Blowing.

Sex.

It was better than any connection that I have had with Sonja, high or low.

The connection Isak and me have... it is like a meeting of souls.

 _You have two options, Even._ _Let him go and walk away from his ignorance or try to make him understand you and make a go of things with him. It really depends on how worth it you think he is._

Mum is right.

I run around my room looking for my phone.

I finally find it hidden at the top of the wardrobe, right at the back. Fucking Sonja.

I will let Isak know how I feel.

I punch out a text using verse that conveys my meaning better than my own words ever could:

 _The noise in my head, the curse of the talented  
Strong communicator, vagabond, I gallivant around the equator  
And that would get me off the radar  
It's so intense, I'm on my Lilo and Stitch  
Pour my Pinot Grigio and Cris with some lime what is this?  
An immaculate version of Me and My Baby  
With all respect cause you the only one that gets me_

 _Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry  
Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry_

 _Yeah, yeah, let's pour some cherry wine  
Everything's good, everything's fine  
Yeah, yeah we bring it every time  
Yeah, pour a little cherry wine  
Yeah, ayo Salaam, yeah, I think they know the time  
Everything's good, everything's fine  
Yeah, pour a little cherry wine, yeah_

 _Life is good, life is good, yeah  
Life is good, no matter what  
Life is good, life is good  
Life is good, yeah  
Life is good  
No matter what  
Life is good_

 _(Cherry Wine NAS ft Amy Winehouse)_

###

I was always going to crash into a low. It's the nature of the beast. It was inevitable. My psychiatrist, Dr Nielsen, had not anticipated the low coming quite so soon, though.

"Issues with his boyfriend. They're not together anymore after what happened at the hotel." I heard my mother muttering to Dr Nielsen when she thought I was out of earshot. "That's not helping."

Dr Nielsen says I am exhibiting a mixed picture, highs and lows, and has added antidepressants to the Lithium.

Line up girls and boys. How do you like the sound of a mood-variable 19 year old that relies on pills to stay sane?

I know the answer to that.

You'll pass, right?

You're not alone.

Sonja is gone. Not that I can blame her. She was there through four fucking years of the mess that is my life. She was there after the first ever episode and did what most of my other friends didn't do. She stayed. And I repaid her by fucking her over and leaving her for someone else.

It wasn't my fault but it certainly wasn't hers.

It's been two weeks and she has texted me once to check in on me which is more than I would expect from her.

The truth is I don't care about Sonja's text. I care about Isak's. The one he sent in response to my lyrical text.

 _Hi Even._

 _I don't understand shit right now._

 _Stop texting me._

I stare down at the message for the nth time. I feel my eyes cloud over with tears yet again.

I blink and re-read the message.

"Even."

I look up. My mother is standing at the door.

"Oh baby. It will get better, I promise." She says. "He is not someone you need in your life if he can't support you or accept you as you are."

"Yeah." I say unconvincingly.

"This came in the post." She brandishes a letter. "Do you want me to open it for you?"

"Who is it from?"

She shrugs and passes the envelope to me.

It's probably the College saying that I cannot defer my Media studies course for a second year running. They have probably withdrawn the full scholarship.

Whatever.

I probably couldn't cope with College life. Let's be real. My ' _crazy'_ could reach epic levels in that kind of environment.

I reluctantly tear the envelope open and take out the folded piece of paper within. For a second I think it is the drawing of the text messages I sent to Isak weeks ago- the one where I finally answered to the text he sent me.

But it is not MY work of art. It is Isak's.

To the left of the paper he has drawn a phone text screen with some of the NAS lyrics I texted to him. Below that is his text reply.

\- _Hi Even. I don't understand shit right now. Don't text me._

To the right of the paper, under the heading ' _At the same time in a different place in the Universe',_ he has drawn the phone text screen with the same NAS lyrics I texted to him but below that are two different text replies from him:

\- _You are an immaculate version of yourself already, man of my life : )_

and

\- _BTW- Cherry Wine by NAS_ _. I know I am right. I googled it x_

My phone beeps indicating an incoming message.

It is from Isak.

"I hope you have got the letter otherwise this text will seem weird. I am not arty like you so the drawing is probably really lame but I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for the text I sent. I was very confused and I think I still am a bit. But I know that I want to understand and to be with you so I am showing you that in every universe including this one. I love you."

He sends another text.

"And the answer is 'yes' btw..."

And another.

"To getting married."

And another.

"I'm joking. We are too young. My parents would have a heart attack."

And another.

"But when we get married I DO want mini-burgers."

And another.

"So, can I come over now?"

"Well?" Mum is looking at me anxiously. "What's happening?"

I had forgotten that she was there.

"You okay?"

I am smiling like a lunatic. "Yes. I think so. Remember when you asked when you could meet Isak?"

"Yes."

"How about now?"


End file.
